The Explosive Child

(For confidentiality purposes, names and ages changed)

If you’ve ever dealt with a child who seems to “blow up” over the smallest things—like the wrong color cup or a change in plans—you’re not alone. Dr. Ross Greene’s book The Explosive Child offers a compassionate and practical way to understand and support these kids, without constant battles, punishment, or power struggles.

At its core, the book challenges the idea that kids misbehave because they want to. Greene’s key message is simple but powerful: “Kids do well if they can.” In other words, if a child could respond calmly, flexibly, or appropriately, they would. Explosive behavior isn’t about defiance or manipulation—it’s about lagging skills, especially in areas like frustration tolerance, flexibility, and problem-solving.

What Makes a Child “Explosive”?

Explosive kids aren’t just having tantrums—they’re often stuck in patterns of intense, unpredictable reactions to everyday situations. These reactions can seem completely out of proportion, leaving parents, teachers, and even therapists frustrated and exhausted.

Take 9-year-old Maya, for example. Her parents noticed that every time she was asked to stop playing and come to dinner, she would scream, slam doors, or even hit. Punishments didn’t work. Rewards didn’t work. But through Greene’s approach, they discovered Maya wasn’t being “bad”—she just didn’t have the skills to handle transitions without feeling overwhelmed or threatened. Once we worked those lagging skills, there were no tantrums or “bad” behaviors anymore.

The Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) Model

Instead of using traditional discipline ( time-outs, consequences, taking things away), Greene introduces Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS). The idea is to solve problems with the child, not for them or to them. It’s about empathy, communication, and teamwork.

There are three basic steps:

1. Empathy Step – Start by listening. Ask open questions and try to understand what’s bothering your child. For example, “I noticed you got really upset when it was time to turn off the iPad. What’s up?”

2. Define the Problem – You, the adult, also share your concerns. “I need you to get enough sleep so you’re not tired for school.”

3. Invitation Step – Work together to come up with a solution that works for both of you. It’s not about giving in—it’s about building skills and trust.

One mom I spoke to, Ayesha, told me about her 11-year-old son who used to have weekly meltdowns over homework. After applying CPS, she sat down and asked why it felt so hard. Turns out, he felt stupid because he didn’t understand the instructions but was too embarrassed to ask. Once we worked through that together, the meltdowns started to fade.

Why This Approach Matters

Traditional discipline often focuses on compliance. But for explosive kids, that usually leads to more conflict and shame. CPS focuses on solving the problems that cause the behaviors, which not only reduces explosions but also helps kids build confidence and emotional regulation.

It also builds connection. When a child feels heard and involved in the process, they’re more likely to feel safe—and less likely to explode.

Final Thoughts

The Explosive Child isn’t just a book for parents of “difficult” kids. It’s a compassionate guide that helps adults shift their mindset from punishment to partnership. Whether you’re a parent, teacher, or counselor, Greene’s message is a gentle reminder that behind every outburst is a child who needs help, not punishment.

As Greene says, “Punishment might make you feel better. It might even stop the behavior for a while. But it doesn’t teach the skills the child is missing.” And that’s really what it’s all about—helping our children grow, not just behave.

Additional Resource

To further understand and identify the specific skills a child might be lacking, Dr. Greene offers the Assessment of Skills and Unsolved Problems (ASUP 2024). This tool assists caregivers in pinpointing the exact areas where a child may struggle, facilitating more effective problem-solving strategies.

You can access the assessment here: ASUP 2024 Assessment